


The Xena Con

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-13 05:22:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18934303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By CarlyThis is the real story behind “The Xena Scrolls”; it is very racy.





	The Xena Con

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).

“So, do you remember any of your previous incarnations?” Ares asked Xena, tossing a cold beer into her lap.

 

She flicked the top off with her thumbnail expertly and considered.

 

 

 

“Dunno,” she said, taking a long draught. “Think I might’ve been Joan of Arc –“

 

“Nah, that was me,” Gabrielle said, sitting herself on the floor next to her friend. She shook out a large newspaper, and pointed to the headline. “Take a look at this.”

 

 

 

 

NAZIS TAKE PARIS

 

 

 

Xena shook her head in horror, reading down. “Hundreds shot on sight; women, children not spared; British forces pushed back –“

 

“And there’s something else I found,” Gabrielle went on, taking back the paper and flicking quickly through the sections.

 

“Don’t even think about using your teeth, Ares,” Xena growled, reaching behind and grabbing the still unopened beer from his hand. She turned around and faced him, leaning a hand on his chest, with the other around the neck of the bottle.

 

“See, there’s a trick to this, Ares,” she told him. “First release the pressure . . . then it’ll come . . . _real_ easy.” She flicked the bottle-top into his lap, and shoved the beer back into his hand. “Enjoy.”

 

Gabrielle rolled her eyes, then pointed to a small column towards the bottom of the page. “Have a read of this.”

 

Xena scanned the article quickly, then frowned. “Damn it, Ares. John Smythe is out – and he’s headed after you.”

 

She pulled herself up and moved towards the door.

 

“Hold it, hold it.” Ares got up after her. “Where are you going?”

 

Xena raised an eyebrow. “To take him out, of course.”

 

“Xena? He’s headed after me. I think I’ll take care of it, thank you very much.”

 

She ignored him, and opened the door.

 

“Xena, that might not be the best idea at the moment,” Gabrielle put in reluctantly. “I mean, even if you kill him, isn’t that going to signal loud and clear that Ares really is still around?”

 

Xena hesitated, her hand still on the doorhandle. “There is that, I suppose.”

 

“You better not be thinking about the farm again,” Ares warned. “I happen to like this villa, and I’m not trading it in for a shack, thanks all the same.”

 

“And it’ll be hard to get not only him, but the other scum he hangs about with - Nikos, and Abdul, for a start,” Gabrielle went on, ignoring Ares.

 

Xena sighed. “Well, I’m not waiting till they turn up on our doorstep, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

 

Gabrielle smiled. “Our doorstep? No way. But there is a way to lure them right where we want them.”

 

Understanding dawned. “Of course! We’ve got something that he’d do anything to get. We wave it under his nose . . .”

 

“And we’ll have him,” Gabrielle grinned, crinkling up her nose. “And all his accomplices with him.”

 

“And you’re talking about what, exactly?” Ares asked impatiently.

 

Gabrielle smiled. “The Xena Scrolls.”

 

**Chapter Two**

 

“You didn’t really mind the farm that much, did you?” Xena asked Ares later, as they sparred in the main courtyard of their villa.

 

“I minded that you left me there, that’s all,” Ares told her, lunging forward with his sword.

 

“Well, I was still angry with you over everything you’d done, you know,” Xena replied, parrying the blow. “Not angry, exactly – but not willing to give up the anger.”

 

She flipped over him, and kicked out his legs from under him.

 

“Whoah!” He leapt up and spun around, grabbing her shoulders and flipping her over his back. “I guess I can understand that.”

 

“Especially after your sacrifice. I mean, how could I feel angry with someone who’d done that, for me? Going up against his family? But I still did, I guess – it confused me.”

 

She knocked the sword out of his hand, and swung him into her arms. “Of course, that’s all ancient history, now.”

 

“Mmm . . .”Ares agreed, meeting her open mouth with his tongue. He touched her upper lip gently with the tip of his tongue, then covered her mouth with his own.

 

“I’m glad I found you this time round, anyway,” he murmured. “Didn’t expect you and Gabrielle to be little urchins on the streets of Athens, but –“

 

“Little?” Xena retorted. “I was fully-grown and near as tall as you when you found us. In fact, as I recall –“ She flipped him over onto his back “ – I kicked your ass.”

 

“Well, I had to let you do that, you see,” Ares grinned, pulling her down with him. “See, that way you remembered who you truly were.” Then he smirked. “You didn’t find me offering you a farm.”

 

Xena looked up at the sumptuously decorated villa, with views overlooking the Aegean. “It’s not bad,” she allowed. “Putting in a library for Gabrielle – that was very thoughtful.”

 

“Had to do something to keep her busy, now, didn’t I?” Ares grinned. “She hasn’t interrupted us for ages . . .”

 

“Xena!”

 

“You had to say it, didn’t you,” Xena grumbled, pulling herself up. “Why couldn’t you just find her a god of her own? Hermes, perhaps?”

 

“With the wings on the feet? Ugh.” Gabrielle stood at the door, with an amused air. “Xena, I’ve got a plan.”

 

She relayed excitedly her idea, waiting with bated breath for their response.

 

Hysterical laughter.

 

“Oh, Gabrielle!” Xena sighed, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. “You don’t do enough comedy, really.”

 

“It wasn’t a joke, Xena!” Gabrielle retorted irritably. “It could work! Have you got a better idea?”

 

“Yeah – we tell ‘em we’ve got the scrolls, they come to get them, and we take them out,” Xena replied, raising her eyebrow. “Sounds good to me.”

 

“Well, except we still haven’t proved to the world Ares is long gone. But, hey, if you want to Nazis to come after Ares, that’s your funeral,” Gabrielle argued.

 

“All right, all right,” Xena sighed. “So who’s going to be Janice, and who’s going to be Mel?”

 

“I suggest we flip,” Gabrielle said quickly. “I choose heads.” She flung a coin in the air and caught it on the back of her hand expertly. “Heads it is. Well, looks like I’m Janice.”

 

“Let me take a look at that coin, Gabrielle,” Xena growled. “Gabrielle . . .”

 

**Chapter Three**

 

“Oh, damn! You got the wrong chakram, Gabrielle!” Xena complained, opening the box. “And we’ve no time to get another one made.”

 

Gabrielle shrugged. “This is Joxer we’re talking about. You think he’ll notice?”

 

“You’ve got a point there,” Xena agreed, then opened up another container. “Daggers; fake mummy – wrong country, wrong time, Gabrielle; a whip . . .”

 

“A whip?” Ares repeated hopefully, walking in.

 

“That’s mine,” Gabrielle said hurriedly, grabbing it. “I mean, Janice’s.”

 

“So Janice Covington is a real archaeologist?” Xena questioned.

 

“And Mel Pappas,” Gabrielle nodded. “But I know that they’re both in the middle of Peru right now. Smythe has been out of the loop so long he won’t know.”

 

“Did I hear the name “Joxer” as I was coming in?” Ares asked, sitting down beside Xena.

 

“Yeah. Well, it looks like him, anyway. Some salesman pretending to be from the French government. We’ve tipped him off so we’ve got a witness. Apparently he’s got the biggest mouth in Europe, Africa and America combined.”

 

Xena grinned. “I’m going to love the look on his face when Ares reveals the identity of his ancestor.” She got up, and brushed herself down. “Anyway, we’d better get the cave all sorted out.” She shook her head. “Honestly, that bardic imagination of yours . . .”

 

Gabrielle was sorting through her scrolls, and ignored that.

 

“It’s funny, when you read some of these things you get such a warped view of what went on.”

 

“Well, you wrote them,” Ares muttered, and yelped as Xena elbowed him in the side.

 

“If I could just change a few lines, here – “ But Xena grabbed the scroll out of her hand. “In what? Pencil? That’d be a little too obvious, Gabrielle.”

 

“I guess,” she sighed. Then a wicked look came over her face. “See, there’s hardly any mention of Ares – in fact, in some places it reads like you and I were a couple!”

 

“Look, I know you hero worshipped me a little at first, Gabrielle, but did you ever want me to stick my tongue in your mouth?”

 

“Uh – no.” Gabrielle smiled wryly, as Ares let out a bated breath. “Thanks for the image, Xena.”

 

“No problem,” Xena grinned. “OK – to the caves!”

 

**Chapter Five**

 

Ares lay down awkwardly in the coffin. “Hate these things,” he grumbled, his knuckles white.

 

“I know gods hate being confined – they’re used to the whole world. Why do you think I used to shut Callisto up in caves so often?” Xena told him. Then she grabbed his hand, entwining his fingers through her own. “Remember - can you trust me?”

 

Their eyes connected for a long moment.

 

_There it was._

 

_Xena inspected the bark of the tree carefully. Gabrielle was out of scrolls, and they were miles from any decent-sized village that would sell the parchment. The bark of this particular tree was soft but strong enough to make do until they reached a town. She smiled. Gabrielle was bargaining for milk at a nearby farm, but she’d be so pleased to be able to finally relieve her frustration by writing her poetry down._

 

_A slight tingle began at the base of her neck, spreading further through her body. A small smile came over her lips, but she waited a moment before turning to face Ares, the god of war._

 

_“Hey!”_

 

_A thick heavy chain came flying from his hand, wrapping itself – and her with it – around the tree._

 

_“I got the chains of Hephaestus like you asked, Xena,” Ares said innocently._

 

_“This wasn’t what I had in mind.” Xena told him, rolling her eyes. “It’s for –“_

 

_He stepped a little closer and covered her mouth with a hand._

 

_“You know, Xena, even a god can’t loose himself from these chains,” he said in a low voice. “You can’t escape this.”_

 

_“Gabrielle –“Xena began._

 

_“Has suddenly found herself in the biggest scroll market in Athens,” Ares smirked. “Who says I never do anything for the greater good?’_

 

_“So you’re back to your old self, huh?”_

 

_Ares laid the flat of his hand over her belly, and she felt the warm glow of power flow from him into her. She gasped, then shivered._

 

_“Oh, yes. I’m the god of war once more, and I take pleasure in . . .” he paused, remembering, “taking maidens and despoiling them of their chastity, I believe it was?”_

 

_Xena snorted. “I’m no chaste maiden.”_

 

_Ares stepped back a little and looked at her. “Oh, yes you are.”_

 

_He drew his hand through the air and suddenly her armour, her leathers, even her tunic were gone._

 

_Xena shivered again, watching the awe in his eyes at the sight of her. It was almost as though he’d never seen her body before._

 

_“You’ve never had a man’s eyes look at you before,” Ares went on, watching her. “You’ve never been unclothed in his presence.”_

 

_He moved closer, now, and ran a single finger down her right side, below her arm to her hip._

 

_“And yet, somehow, you trust me . . .”_

 

_Their eyes connected._

 

_After a long moment, he moved forward again, the nails of his right hand scraping gently over her belly. He smiled at her sharp intake of breath._

 

_“You never knew what flesh was for, before now,” he murmured, tracing his fingers over the soft skin above her breasts. “You never knew pleasure –“ Xena gasped, as he cupped her left breast gently, and flicked a thumbnail over her nipple “-no, not like this, never before.”_

 

_He knelt, then, and looked up at her eyes, wide and wild. “Not like this,” he repeated, then his tongue moved to brush over her right breast, finally taking the nipple into his mouth and tugging gently._

 

_He heard her moan, then, and bit down gently on the soft skin of her breast, feeling her push against him, moving his hand upwards to rub gently her bare left breast in slow circles, licking his thumb and moving it lightly over her nipple. She sighed, then, and he looked up to see her face, her mouth a little open, her eyes heavy-lidded._

 

_“So beautiful,” he whispered, lowering his head again to her breasts, kissing them lightly, tracing a path of kisses to her belly, trailing his fingers down, biting at the warm flesh of her inner thigh._

 

_“Oh –“_

 

_His tongue flicked against her heat, and she made a hoarse cry, pressing herself closer, while he inhaled her scent, licking his lips, kissing her warmth._

 

_“Say my name.”_

 

_He slipped a finger into her depths, and now she didn’t care, pushing against him, crying out, while he bent his head to taste and to kiss, moving another finger and another, creating a rhythm, watching her body react to his thrusts, her head back against the tree, her body slick with sweat -_

 

_“Ar . . . es . . .“_

 

_He drew himself up to watch her, his name still on her lips, her chest heaving, her eyes glazed with pleasure. He moved his face closer, inches away from her lips –_

 

_The chink of metal alerted him just a moment too late. Suddenly the chains had loosed themselves, had swung through the air . . . and wrapped around him, and the tree. “What – I – how did that happen?” Ares spluttered._

 

_Xena smirked, tossing her head back, running her fingers through her wild hair. “Careful, there’s bugs in that tree.”_

 

_“What!”_

 

_She picked up her tunic and slid it on, watching him struggle against the chains._

 

_“Hey, you know the rules, Ares.”_

 

_“Yes – I do!” he retorted through gritted teeth. “These chains can hold even a god . . .”_

 

 _“These chains can hold_ only _a god, Ares,” Xena grinned. Then she stepped a little closer. “And that wasn’t the rule I was referring to.”_

 

_“You could’ve got loose the whole time?” Ares uttered indignantly. Then he smiled weakly. “Look, I knew you could’ve got loose the whole time. It was just for fun –“_

 

_She stepped even closer, then, and looked him directly in the eye. He caught her faint aroma and unconsciously licked his lips._

 

_“What goes around, comes around, Ares,” she said huskily._

 

_He gulped. “Xena – what are you –“_

 

_She tilted her head negligently. “Get ‘em off.”_

 

_“The chains?” he asked. “You know I can’t!”_

 

_“Oh, that wasn’t what I was referring to,” she purred, and tugged at his vest. “I want to see the disappearing act you just performed on me.”_

 

_He was sweating, now. “Come on, Xena –“_

 

_“Or will I just leave you here, for the next god who comes along and wants payback?” she threatened, stepping back. Then she relented. “The question is, do you trust me?”_

 

_They exchanged a long look, and then he sighed._

 

_“Yeah.” The vest and leathers were gone._

 

_Xena smiled again, and laid a hand over the left side of his chest. “I’ve got your heart beating so fast, with only the idea of it all,” she whispered. “Just you wait for the reality . . .” Then she winked. “It bites.” Her mouth found his nipple, and her teeth sank into his flesh._

 

_“Ahhh . . .”_

 

_She scraped her nails down his chest, her mouth still over his nipple, her tongue moving over it in languid circles. She could feel his arousal against her stomach, and grinned._

 

_Looking down, she noticed his legs still straining against the chains._

 

_“You want to get away that much?” she taunted, stepping back. She looked at him boldly, but the desire in Ares’ eyes softened her own. “Maybe not, huh?”_

 

_Kneeling down, she took firm hold of his shaft and then flicked the tip of her tongue against it. He shuddered and cried out, the muscles on his legs standing out. She brushed a hand gently along his strong thighs, but moved her lips back to him, taking him in her mouth, scraping her teeth gently over him until he moaned._

 

_“Hurts that much, hmm?” she teased, looking up at him, her own heart beginning to beat faster as her eyes connected with his. His lips formed a word, and she tilted her head a moment, considering. Then he whispered it again – “. . .please . . .”_

 

_She stood, then, and after touching the moistness of her own flesh trailed her fingers over his lips, watching his tongue lick at the tips of her fingers. She sighed, as he suckled, feeling the blood pounding through her._

 

_“ . . . please . . .” he murmured again, and she leant against him, then, tilting her head up to smile at him. Taking pity on him, she took hold of his shaft, guiding it into herself, sighing with pleasure, feeling the fever grow within her._

 

_“So lovely –“ she uttered in low tones, but then she couldn’t speak, as they moved together in their own rhythm, writhing with pleasure against one another –_

 

 _“Now – say_ my _name –“ she managed, hearing it next in his cry, as he bucked and shuddered in her arms._

 

_She rested her head on his shoulder a moment, and he turned and looked at her with such gentleness in his eyes. His mouth moved towards her –_

 

_Then the chain was flicked away again, and he was pushed out of the way, hearing her ululation, seeing her flip in the air, so fast it was a blur._

 

_And then he saw a form, wrapped in chains, falling at his feet._

 

_“Who – what –“_

 

_“Another Amazon high on ambrosia,” Xena told him, her lip curling. “Kick her into next week, will you?”_

 

_“That’s what you wanted the chains for?” Ares began, then grinned. “Next week? Nah, I might go there. Middle of the Aegean is a better bet.”_

 

_Grabbing the Amazon goddess, he swung her around his head for good measure and threw her into the sea. She made a satisfying splash._

 

_“Oh, Ares – that’s the end of the chains of Hephestus, then –“ Xena pointed out regretfully. “We could’ve –“_

 

_He interrupted her with a kiss, covering her mouth with his own, moving his tongue gently over her lips._

 

_“Who needs chains?” Xena murmured, then returned to his kiss._

 

“Yeah, I trust you,” Ares muttered finally. “Just don’t be too long, OK?”

 

“Xena!” Gabrielle’s voice called. “Come on, we’ve got to go!”

 

The pair dashed out the back entrance, to the sea of tents they’d set up with the help of the local villagers, who were all primed to scream and run on cue.

 

“Here’s your costume, Xena,” Gabrielle told her, handing her a bundle of clothes. “Now, you’ve got to use a Southern accent. Can you do it?”

 

“ _Na me mathis oti xeris_ . . .”

 

“Southern American, Xena,” Gabrielle told her impatiently. “You liked “Gone With the Wind, didn’t you?”

 

Xena blushed. “Don’t tell anyone –“ she hesitated. “Ah-yuh thuynk ah-yuh ken do it.”

 

“That’ll do,” Gabrielle nodded. “I’m sticking with Middle American. Go on, get dressed . . .”

 

Xena drew out a long skirt and blouse, with high-heeled shoes and tights.

 

“You expect me –“ she began, then Gabrielle passed her a little box of make-up. “No way!”

 

“You lost the throw, Xena,” Gabrielle pointed out.

 

“You cheated!”

 

Gabrielle smirked. “Too late now. You think you could fit into this outfit?” She slipped on her jacket, adjusting the collar.

 

“You’re supposed to be an archeologist?” Xena questioned, a dangerous look in her eye.

 

“Yeah – why – Xena!”

 

She picked up her friend and deposited her gleefully into a puddle on the floor. Then she remembered her new voice.

 

“Ya wanna be an archaeologist, Gabrielle? Ya gotta get dirty.”

 

**Chapter Six**

 

“Oh, my. Did you ever hear of Xena’s TRUE LOVE, Marcus? It’s so romantic,” Xena read out the tale with obvious enjoyment.

 

Gabrielle rolled her eyes, wondering how much Ares could take before blowing the whole con wide open. “We don’t have time for this, Mel.”

 

Xena hid a smile, then remembered to pick an argument with her friend, before finding the chakram. Gabrielle had certainly managed to write an interesting script for them, even if it had been a pain learning all the lines. Though leading Smythe’s men on a wild goose chase around a booby-trapped cave was kind of fun.

 

Of course, waking Ares was even more fun.

 

“Mmm . . . ahhh!” he sighed languidly. “This feels . . . good!”

 

Xena felt her pulse begin to race. The sight of him there, laughing, grabbing bullets from the air . . .

 

Smythe and his men fell at his feet, while Joxer – or his descendent, at any rate – hopped out, next in line. Xena gave him an admiring look. She’d forgotten his latent courage. Of course, the plan wasn’t to kill him - just humiliate him instead.

 

Then Ares moved forward to her, his face mere inches away. Joxer and Gabrielle fled, leaving them alone.

 

“I’m in your blood . . .” he whispered huskily. “Man, you look sexy in that outfit.”

 

“Ares, the answer is no,” Xena called out loudly for Joxer’s benefit. Then she bit down hard on his lower lip, moving her hands over his chest. “Talk about torture . . .”

 

She turned and fled.

 

“You can run, Xena, but you can’t hide!” Ares called out, and burst into laughter.

 

Gabrielle then had to give her soliloquy about her identity, with Joxer in the mummy’s coffin behind them. Xena rolled her eyes, but spurted out all the the stuff Gabrielle had written in the script, smiling sweetly.

 

“Gabrielle was never useless.” She crossed her eyes. “She was the finest friend anyone could ever have.” Stuck out her tongue. “Be proud –“

 

Gabrielle elbowed her, grinned, and pulled Joxer out of the coffin.

 

The final fight was definately exhilerating. Adding a bit of danger with her friend tied up under a swinging sword really fired her up. Her eyes flashed as she leapt through the air to halt Ares’ exit.

 

“You never give up, do you?” he uttered, as they fled.

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way –“ Xena mouthed, before knocking the sword out of his hand and flinging the chakram at the eye of Hephaestus. The door started closing immediately. Gabrielle pulled her out, as she looked around, dazed – “course you had to save the day.” Xena muttered, following.

 

“Noooo!”

 

Ares' cry echoed in their ears as the door slammed shut.

 

“Bit cheesy, but it’ll do,” Gabrielle murmured, as they headed out to the light. “OK, get the TNT and then kick Joxer out of here. I’m starving!”

 

“Me too . . .” Xena agreed wistfully, looking back. “Let’s get this over with.”

 

**Chapter Seven**

 

“I was just playing with my character!” Gabrielle defended herself.

 

“Yeah, we all know what happened last time you did that,” Ares muttered, bringing in a tray of kebabs. Gabrielle pounced on the food immediately.

 

“Poor little Gabrielle,” Xena teased. “Now come on, I thought you were over all that inferiority stuff. You can even catch my chakram!”

 

“Yeah, I was thinking of getting one myself –“ Gabrielle nodded, munching on her food. She relented, noticing the glint in Xena’s eyes. “I was only kidding, Xena.”

 

“So now we’ve knocked off Smythe and co., does this mean a modicum of peace?” Ares questioned, sitting beside Xena.

 

“Looks like the Nazis are primed to invade Greece, Ares,” Xena replied, shaking her head. “We haven’t got the resources to go up against them head-to-head, but there is a way to fight them –“

 

“Are you gonna wear that skirt again?” Ares asked hopefully.

 

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. “What are you thinking about, Xena?”

 

“Sleeping under the stars again . . . going up against cruelty and injustice . . . righting wrongs –“

 

“And singing songs?” Gabrielle asked sarcastically. “What’s the plan?”

 

“Ever heard of the partisans?”

 

 

*****

 

“So, this is our last night under a roof, Xena?”

 

She watched Ares enter their room, and smiled. “I will miss this villa,” she allowed. “But –“

 

“Yeah, the greater good,” he nodded, and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I do understand – after all, this is my land, it always has been.”

 

“I know.” And Xena captured his hand and brought it to her lips. “These next few years are going to be hell, aren’t they?”

 

“Uh-huh,” Ares murmured, pulling Xena onto his lap, and drawing her mouth down to his own.

 

“Like a taste of heaven to tide you over?”

 

“Mmmm,” he agreed, as she wrapped her legs about his waist. “Hey – do you trust me?”

 

He flipped her over, then, so she was lying on her back on the bed. Then he crawled up to her, and pulled her tunic over her head. He settled himself beside her, stroking her hair, her face, and finally moving his mouth to her breast.

 

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I trust you.”


End file.
